I didn't bring you coffee because you are a strange man.

A brief conversation I had on the bus ride this morning has got me thinking about how men and women use conversation differently. Here is what happened: I take a shuttle from the main UC Davis campus (in Davis) to the UC Davis Med Center campus (in Sacramento). It is usually crowded, and today, like many other days, I am squished in the back seat between these two guys. One man was on the shuttle when I got on, and the second one was behind me in line to get on the bus so he sat down after me. Today I had with me a travel coffee mug. (I usually bring a self-contained thermos, which I store in a bag, but I didn't today because I have to run to an appointment right after I get off of the bus this afternoon and I didn't want to carry it around; it is kind of heavy.) So I sit down and have this coffee mug in my hands kind of balanced on my knees. The man on my left (who had been sitting there) says to me "You didn't bring me any coffee this morning, or is that tea?" I kind of smiled, and said "No, it's coffee". That was the end of that exchange, and he goes about making his telephone calls and doing work stuff.

I was struck by the male-ness of that comment. I seriously doubt that a woman would have made that comment. I didn't know that man from Adam. (This is an expression my Mom says all the time!) He was older, maybe pushing 60. He wasn't particulary sleezy, but maybe a tad bit sleezy. And his tone wasn't suggestive, exactly, it was just odd enough that I did't like it, that I wasn't going to continue talking to this dude. I suspect he meant it as a joke, but it wasn't funny. I mean, what was I supposed to say?

So, we ride to Sacramento, and when we are pulling into the parking lot he says, "You didn't drink much of that coffee." I smile sheepishly again and say, "No, I'm gonna wait till I get to my desk." We get off the bus and go our separate ways. (I didn't disclose my real motivations for not drinking the coffee: 1) I was very hot from my walk to the shuttle bus (had to walk fast because I was running late as usual), and drinking hot coffee as sweat runs down my back is not appealing, 2) I'm not all that adept at drinking hot beverages on a small bus that bounces all over the place, 3) I didn't want the coffe until I really was at my desk, which is why I usually bring the thermos but didn't today because of the reason mentioned above, and 4) um, you are a strange man and I don't need to tell you anything.)

Are men aware of how they deliver these type of comments? I don't believe that this man on the bus would have said the same thing to another man who came and sat next to him on the shuttle. Would a woman have said that to me? Doubt it. Would I have said that to a woman? No, I wouldn't have said anything; a thought such as "oh, I love coffee" would have gone through my head, probably, but I wouldn't have said anything. Then I started to think about when people talk to each on the bus. It doesn't happen often. Sometimes people exchange greetings or random comments. Once or twice on a bus ride back in Boston on my beloved #39, an interesting coincidence would inititate a conversation with a woman next to me:
Her: "Oh, you're reading Bel Canto! I just finished that and thought
it was wonderful!"
Me: "Yeah, I like it a lot so far."
Her: "I thought it was terrific."
Me: Nod, smile and resume reading my book.
Her: Nod, smile, and resume reading her book.
I also recall talking about books with a few other women who randomly sat next me and had also been reading Gregory MacGuire or Susanna Clarke or whomever else I was reading. (I miss you, bookclub!) But, I don't remember ever talking to a man about anything on the bus.

Am I reading into this too much? It sounds like a project for that NU Linguistics class, similar to your elevator experiment, T.

Well, anyways, it made me think. That is a good thing for a Friday.